Are You ANTI-Dependent? And What Is It Costing You?
At Christmas I climb on said house to hang my own Christmas lights.
I clean the gutters out in the fall and pressure wash the siding in the spring.
I do what needs to get done. Myself.
Maybe you do too?
I’m the oldest in my family and the only girl.
I take that position very seriously and have looked after my three ‘little’ brothers since I first became a big sister at 11 months old.
I take care of others. Not the other way around.
Maybe you do too?
At one time or another I didn’t like the price I paid when I naively accepted “kindness” from others. I was let down by people I trusted.
And I decided early on I had to depend on myself.
Maybe you’ve experienced the same?
I like things done my way. So I do it myself.
I’m determined.
Asking for help is NOT my preference (read…I pretty much need to be unconscious before I’ll stop trying to do it myself).
Which is what happened Canada Day long weekend…
I was where I am every July 1st, with my family at the lake, out boating.
We had tied the boat up to the shoreline to get out and swim. Everyone else but my mom, my daughter and I were already out swimming and sunning themselves on the rocks of the rocky shoreline when I noticed the boat was drifting into the rocks.
And rather than ask someone in the water to push us out, I went to do it….surprise!…myself.
The combination of sunscreen on my hands and slippery rocks and I lost my grip on the ladder and fell onto the motor and prop of the boat.
When I came up out of the water I knew I was hurt. Truthfully I was in a lot of pain.
But I was determined to shake it off. To not draw attention to myself. And to get myself back in the boat without anyone being any the wiser.
However, another one of my stellar qualities – my potty mouth – gave me away as I came out of the water and my mom and daughter were on to me.
Even though I was adamant I was fine and didn’t need any help. The shaking gave me away.
And after saying “Goddammit Jodi you don’t always have to do everything yourself” (see where I get that potty mouth!) my mom called out “Jodi needs help!”
What the what? Everybody was momentarily quiet as it registered the seriousness that would require the foreign combination of those three words being spoken together.
Then they were in the water and swimming toward me at surprising speed. My man ‘the Cowboy’ from one side of the boat, my youngest brother and dad from the other.
Did I mention it makes me feel vulnerable to let people help me?
Well just wait, cuz it gets better…
I was able to climb up the ladder that had bucked me off – but I needed help to do it.
Then on the drive back to our camp, even though I was wrapped in warm towels, the shaking got worse. And even though it was 36 degrees C/97 degrees F I was freezing.
And even though I kept instructing my body to stay up, it started to go numb and weak and I toppled forward – the Cowboy and my daughter steadying me.
As the boat was docked, breathing became hard to do. My arms wouldn’t work. I couldn’t hold my head or my body up.
I wanted to sleep. Except the Cowboy kept talking to me, rubbing my face and telling me to look at him. There was all sorts of commotion going on around me. The boat being jockeyed around to another dock, strangers getting aboard.
And then I’m looking up at the sky and I can see my middle brother on my right and my little brother on my left and they’re packing me up the hill on a stretcher. And even then I think to myself “This isn’t right. I look after them. They’re not supposed to look after me.”
Yet there’s something about being strapped to a spine board with your neck in a brace as your voice and body take a time-out that makes you have to let others help you.
It’s called surrender.
If you joined me on the webinar/live stream you know we talked about surrendering the resistance (the struggle) we create when we are attached to a particular outcome or trying to force something to happen the way we think it should or when we want it.
As this experience so eloquently showed me, we also create struggle for ourselves when we resist the help of others. When we are anti-dependent.
When…
…we’d rather deny, minimize, downplay, ignore or even dis-allow our own needs rather than risk being vulnerable by asking or accepting help.
…we place all the pressure and responsibility on ourselves to DO and BE it all at expense to our self, our health, our time, our energy and our finances.
…we do for others what we’re not willing to do for ourselves.
…we care for others when we’re not willing to care for ourselves.
When we don’t allow ourselves to receive.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Are you anti-dependent? And what is it costing you?
If it was just you and me talking, what would your truth be?
What are you afraid would happen if you allowed yourself a little dependence?
What is being anti-dependent really costing you?
I’ll tell you what I discovered it was costing me.
Being cared for.
Something if it was just you and me talking, I’d truthfully admit was something I’ve been wanting for a long time.
As scary as the whole experience was, it felt good to be cared for.
All the people I’ve cared for…the Cowboy, my kids, my parents, my brothers, my nieces, my ‘other son’ Louis…and even some I’ve never cared for…my camping neighbors Deana and Neil, the paramedics, nurses and doctors…all of them stepped right up and cared for me. ME! Miss Anti-Dependent!
I was vulnerable. And instead of being disappointed, I was cared for.
I found out that instead of NOT mattering, I mattered a lot.
To people I didn’t even know I mattered to!
And the same is true for you.
You matter. You matter in ways you don’t even know you matter.
You’re cared for in ways you don’t even know you’re cared for.
By people you don’t even know care for you.
My recommendation…just admit that you have needs, express what they are, ask for help, accept it graciously and let yourself be cared for.
I know this can be a big step. So if asking feels too vulnerable, do this…
When someone offers to help you, just say “Yes”.
That’s it.
“Yes”. Instead of “No, I’m fine”. F* fine! (There’s that potty mouth again!)
Let yourself be cared for.
I promise your own Miss Anti-Dependent will be pleasantly reassured, relieved and even comforted to know she doesn’t have to do it all alone!
