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Ask the Expert Editorials

June 1, 2016 Article

Q. I want to make a big change in my life I’m really excited about. The problem is I’m afraid I’ll fail.

A. Anytime we’re ready to grow ourselves all our limiting beliefs of who we are and what we’re capable of will start popping up as excuses stopping us from taking the steps toward our dreams. Consider this is an indicator it’s time to take responsibility for your excuses by dispelling these beliefs. Use these questions:

  • What am I getting from hanging onto this excuse?
  • What good will come from hanging onto it?
  • What is the belief about myself or how the world works that justifies this excuse?
  • Is this belief going to help or hinder my goal?
  • How is this belief NOT true?
  • Do I still want to keep it?

Once you bring these excuses and the beliefs attached to them into your awareness they lose their power over you and the fear of making the change disappears.

July 6, 2016 Article

Q. I worry a lot about things going wrong. It puts me on edge. Can you help?

A. It’s a survival mechanism of the brain to always be on the lookout for possible “danger.” But when it causes anxiety it is a sign of prolonged stress or post traumatic stress and will serve you well to be addressed with a professional. In the meantime any steps you take in a positive and proactive direction will carry you further with happier results than hours of worry trying to anticipate everything that could go wrong and how to prevent it because action alleviates anxiety. This is because where your attention goes, your energy flows and what you focus on comes into focus. So putting your energy into and focusing on taking small doable-in-a-day steps toward what you want rather than away from what you don’t gets you closer to what you want and puts you back in the safety zone of empowered choice.

July 20, 2016 Article

Q. When things go wrong I get so angry and blame myself. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything right. I’m tired of feeling this way.

A. Blaming ourselves is a learned behavior from being blamed and shamed in our formative years. In difficult or overwhelming situations we revert back to this as a coping mechanism. We have the erroneous belief that if we are to blame, if we are responsible for what is wrong then that must mean we have some control to fix it. Unfortunately blaming ourselves weakens us and takes us out of our power. To break this habit, stop yourself in mid-shame, breathe and remind yourself “The solution to this will come a lot faster if I’m NOT beating myself up” and this is true because (1) when you stop blaming yourself you move out of your fear brain into your higher thinking brain where solutions and creative thinking happen and (2) blaming yourself is a waste of time and energy that could be used to solve the challenge.

August 3, 2016 Article

Q. I feel like my life lacks joy and that something in my life is missing. Yet I feel selfish doing things only for me.

A. The quality of your life will not change until your pattern of self-sacrifice changes. Meeting your own needs through self-care and self interests is essential to creating a life that is satisfying and fulfilling. In fact it is selfish NOT to because you can’t give what you don’t have. So when you have not cared for yourself, your tank is empty and you have to deplete yourself further to give to others which results in giving with resentment rather than giving with care. And loved ones tend not to enjoy gifts of resentment. When you give to yourself you have a full tank to give generously and joyfully to others. A joy-FULL life starts with a joy-FULL you. Engage in daily activities that nourish you physically and delight you emotionally and mentally and your life and those you love will be all the more joy-FULL for it.

August 17, 2016 Article

Q. I feel resentful and take it out on others with negative comments and snide remarks. How can I change this?

A. My question to you is what are you not giving to yourself that you want or need? Resentment comes from feeling deprived or cheated of what you want. And we can mistakenly blame the people around us and become envious of those who ask for and have what we need and want. But truthfully we are the only ones’ who can give ourselves what we truly need, because we’re the only ones who really know what we truly need. And if you don’t know, what you’re envious of is a sure clue. Our reluctance to give our self what we need comes from an old belief that says we don’t deserve to have what we want or need. As with all beliefs if it detracts from your self-worth, it has no value. Override this belief by asking yourself “How can I show up for my body/mind/self today?” Then follow through on it. Even if what you need requires another’s help, by giving yourself the permission to want what you want and asking for it until that need is met will begin to lessen and dissolve your feeling of resentment and the tendency to take it out on others. You will be happier with yourself and your life and your relationships will benefit.

September 7, 2016 Article

Q. I have a lot of regret over relationship decisions I made in the past and it makes me fearful of trusting myself in relationships now. How can I move beyond this?

A. First of all give yourself credit for acknowledging that YOU made these decisions rather than blaming anyone or anything else. When we take 100% responsibility for our past, we take back 100% of the power for our future. Notice I said responsibility not blame. Blaming leads to shame and will keep you stuck repeating relationship patterns. Responsibility is recognizing WHY you made those decisions; what were you trying to avoid (e.g. rejection, disappointing someone, being alone) or what were you trying to get by making this decision (e.g. love, acceptance, security)? Our present life is the result of the choices we made in the past. But our future is created by the conscious choices we make today. Using your 20/20 hindsight to gain awareness and inspire self-understanding and growth ensures you are not the same person who made those decisions in the past and that you wouldn’t make those same decisions today.

September 21, 2016 Article

Q. I’m so discouraged. My life seems on repeat with unhappy results. What can I do?

A. Everything in our current life was created by a past self. This game-changing adage applies “Do what you’ve always done and you’ll get what you’ve always got. If you want different you have to do different.” To do different begin to make ONE choice differently than you’ve made in the past and you will get a different result. Just as an airplane that starts out its journey one degree off course will end up in a totally different location at the end of the journey, if you make ONE choice differently than you have made in the past, you too will end up at a different place in your life. To do this you have to be willing to see beyond your current circumstances to see something better for yourself and you have to be willing to believe in the possibility of it and want it more than you want the comfort of staying in your familiar but unfulfilling circumstances. When you stop waiting for the circumstances to change and begin making ONE choice differently you change your future circumstances.

October 5, 2016 Article

Q. My life is not where I thought it would be by now. I know what I want but I can’t seem to make it happen. Why?A. Whenever there is a discrepancy between the life we want and the life we are living, there is an unconscious belief we are MORE committed to than the dream we have for ourselves, that is sabotaging our best efforts. In other words we have a vision for ourselves, our relationships or our life but at the same time we have a conflicting belief that undermines it. This belief was formed early in life and therefore is so much a part of us we don’t consciously consider or question it, but we do operate from it. These beliefs always center around how to stay safe in life – contracts we made with ourselves of who or how we had to be in order to stay safe. And while it served us well then, we’ve outgrown the situation in which they served us, and now they only hold us back. To determine your unconscious beliefs look at what isn’t working in your life and ask yourself “What do I believe about X? (relationships, money, my worth, etc.) It can be the equivalent of trying to see the nose on your face, so don’t be discouraged. A professional life coach or counselor will help you to uncover and dismantle this belief in favor on one that does support the life you’re ready for.

November 2, 2016 Article

Q. My relationship just ended and I don’t know what’s next for me. I worry I’m going to be alone forever.

A. The end of a relationship like the loss of a job or a diagnosis throws us into the land of uncertainty. And we’ve all been taught to fear uncertainty, convinced that to be safe we need to be in control of what is next and what our future will look like. But that is a faulty set of goods because control is an illusion. We do not control how life happens we only control how we respond to it. Your response to the end of your relationship is where you will find safety. Do you know with 100% certainty you’re going to be alone forever? No you do not. Do you know with 100% certainty that a mutually satisfying and loving relationship is on its way to you? No you do not. But one thought causes you to live in fear of never having what you long for and the other let’s you live in faith trusting that it’s on its way so you can get on with living your life. Uncertainty means anything is possible. Which means BOTH scenarios are just as possible. What you choose to believe in IS in your control. My recommendation: believe in the one that feels the best, it will ALWAYS take you farther with better results.

November 16, 2016 Article

Q. I’ve been single for a while. And even though I want to be in a relationship I find myself backing away from them. I’ve made some painful mistakes in the past and I just don’t want to get hurt again.

A. After suffering painful relationship experiences it is natural and wise to go into self-protection mode. Your heart needs to heal, your mind needs to access the lessons, you need to forgive yourself and transform the stories you may be telling yourself about you, your competence and worthiness to experience healthy, mutually rewarding relationships. This takes time and intentional work if you do not want to remain “once bitten, twice shy.” Right now you don’t trust yourself to not make the same mistakes. Knowledge is power here. In addition to your personal healing to know what you DO want, you also need to educate yourself on what you DON’T want – the Relationship RED FLAGS that are easy to overlook or excuse that end up causing heartbreak in the end. To give you this info I’ve made a list of the 20 KEY Relationship RED FLAGS I teach in my workshops available below for you to download. Knowing this information will give you confidence in your own judgement and ability to discern healthy relationships going forward.

Red Flags

This download is available PLUS so much more above when you register for the Brokenhearted But Not Broken Video Series – which I highly recommend. However because I promised it as an available download to readers of my article in the Morning Star I’m also making it available here.

December 21, 2016 Article

Q. Despite the festivities, at this time of year I find myself lonely. What can I do?

A. You’re not alone in feeling this way. Ironically loneliness is a very common response that connects many of us during the holidays. Everywhere there are commercialized images of happy family gathering and it can leave us feeling left out and alone if that is not our situation. By refocusing the lens to look past the Norman Rockwell stereotype you will discover there are other ways to be connected and that all around you there are people loving and caring for you; the city workers cleaning and making the roads safe, the neighbors who strung lights and decorated with inflated snowmen for your delight, the farmer who grew and harvested the food for your breakfast and the barista who got up early this morning to serve your coffee. Pets can love you, so too can nature, books, music, beauty and strangers. And acts of kindness done for others always fill us with belonging and assurance of our own valued existence. When we let go of how we think it should look and open to all the ways our lives and comfort are supported by others and theirs by ours, we recognize none of us is alone.

January 29th, 2017 Optimal Wellness Article

5 Tools to Maximize and Bring Right Closure to 2016 & Make 2017 Your BEST YEAR YET!

The turn of a New Year brings a clean slate. An expanse of 365 fresh days of endless possibilities, experiences, synchronicities and opportunities to grow, learn, love, laugh and be awed by life.

If your life feels like it’s been on repeat, the New Year is a RESET. An opportunity to take a look at your life, ask yourself “What’s working? What’s not?” Take inventory of what’s serving you and what isn’t.  It’s your chance to take your life off autopilot and consciously and with intention make different choices and take different actions to get different, better and desired results.

With this RESET comes the opportunity for RIGHT CLOSURE of 2016. With RIGHT CLOSURE you celebrate the WINS, acknowledge the BLESSINGS, appreciate the GRACES of 2016 and also declare what you’re NO LONGER WILLING TO CARRY FORWARD INTO 2017.

This brings clarity and insight for what you DO want in 2017. And not just what you WANT but also HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL in 2017 and the PERSONAL PACT you’re willing to make with yourself to support that.

Bringing right closure to 2016 creates space for new possibilities to flow into 2017. This is not a passive process that happens by itself. It requires your conscious intention and participation.

To help you do this I’ve made available tools from my workshops you can download for free at under RESOURCES that will support you in bringing RIGHT CLOSURE to 2016 and setting the CLARITY and INTENTION for 2017 that will help you to capitalize on this new beginning and all its abundance of potential for new, self-honoring, rewarding and fulfilling possibilities.

Get Right Closure to Create Space for New Possibilities in 2017 PLUS 3 More Tools to Establish Intention and Clarity to Lead This Year Empowered

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Get Right Closure to Create Space for New Possibilities in 2017!
Get 2 Tools to Bring Right Closure to 2016 PLUS 3 Additional Tools to Establish Intention and Clarity to Lead 2017 Empowered & Excited for Your Life

February 12th, 2017 Optimal Wellness Article

Get Ready to Make 2017 YOUR YEAR!

In numerology 2017 is the Universal number of 1 making it a FRESH START year, a year to set the foundation for the next 9 year cycle by establishing clear intentions created from YOUR truest heartfelt desires, dreams and visions for every area of YOUR life and relationships.

This is a time to truly step out of the old paradigm of people-pleasing and living and doing your life according to other’s expectations and agendas. Doing so will only get you more of the same, keeping you stuck, off track, incredibly frustrated and feeling like a victim helpless to change the situation.

This year is about freeing yourself of those limiting and self-sabotaging patterns. It’s about YOU stepping into YOUR YEAR of BEING YOU. Directing and leading your OWN life according to your OWN inner wisdom, dreams and desires.

2017 is YOUR YEAR to step into alignment with who you truly are to bring into fruition the things you have long desired that were relegated to the back burner or believed to not be possible. This is YOUR YEAR to move from the constraints of conformity and obligation to personal creativity and unique self-expression.

This FRESH START year is YOUR opportunity to put YOUR personal needs and agenda on the front burner of YOUR life; to capitalize on the growth challenges of your past to gain new perspective, insight, confidence, clarity and the determination to make what previously seemed out of reach, not just possible but INEVITABLE for yourself. Thereby achieving the quality of life and relationships you crave for yourself and by association, contributing and adding to the quality of life of those you love and care about.

That is the BIGGEST lesson we will learn in 2017 – that by tending to and bettering our own happiness we inspire and contribute to the happiness of the lives of those we touch. Priceless. And no people-pleasing required. How fabulous is that!?

April 5, 2017 Article

Q. I’ve done and experienced things in my past I feel guilt and shame about and can’t seem to forgive myself for. I know it’s holding me back.

A. You’re right. Guilt and shame are two insidious emotions that undermine our beliefs of what we deserve causing us to limit the good in our lives, self-sabotage our happiness and not allow ourselves to receive love or support from others or reach for what we truly want.

Guilt and shame are learned emotions – that is they are not natural occurring emotions like love, joy or sadness – they are emotions we learn through BEING guilted and shamed. From guilt we learn “There is something bad/wrong/unlovable about my choices or actions.” And from shame we learn “There is something bad/wrong/unlovable about me.” We learn guilt and shame from those who guilted and shamed us, then we continue guilting and shaming ourselves in punishment of these perceived mistakes, flaws and inadequacies, without recognizing it was the person’s opinion NOT FACT that we should feel guilt or shame in the first place.

To stop persecuting yourself take into account that the guilt and shame you learned was another’s opinion, NOT FACT about your worth or goodness as a human being. Secondly, recognize that who you were then, is not who you are now.

Continuing to punish yourself for who you were then only hurts who you are now.  You and your life are bigger than your perceived mistakes, inadequacies and your past. You’re stronger than anything you’ve done and more powerful than anything done to you. By showing yourself compassion for who you were and what you did then, you will free yourself of imposed and self-imposed guilt and shame to move your life forward today.

For a personal story, tools and support skip on over to my article How to Free Yourself of Guilt and Shame



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